Does Your Self Confidence Need a Boost?

Does Your Self Confidence Need a Boost?

How is the relationship with yourself going?

A Step-by-Step in real self-confidence…

I hope this finds you well and you have had an incredible week.

If you have tried out any of the tools and techniques previously discussed, or have feedback on any of the FREE BONUS resources, please reach out to me HERE and LMK how it’s going!

How would you rate your self-confidence today?
could you use a boost? I’ve got you.

Did you know there is so much that goes into what makes your levels of self-confidence vs. self-consciousness?

There are depths to the human psyche, when you begin exploring the enigmatic realm of confidence and self-consciousness from a groundbreaking biopsychological perspective.

You may be wondering why your levels of self-confidence seem to differ from others, whether they seem higher or lower for you compared to other people.

There is a 4 part general formula to your self-confidence.

1. Your genetics

2. Your early experiences

3. Your neurotransmitters & hormones

4. Your social experiences recently - up until today

Generating that elusive self-confidence is not what you think.

And it’s a lot simpler!

At the very core of our being lies a complex network of neural circuits, intricately woven by genetics, shaped by early life experiences, and constantly molded by our interactions with the world around us. Recent research in biopsychology has unearthed fascinating insights into how these neural pathways influence our sense of self-esteem and self-evaluation.

It’s hard to fathom but your brain is a wild, bustling metropolis of neurons, buzzing all around with activity, processing a constant stream of information, both internal and external. Within this intricate neural landscape, lies the seat of your confidence – a delicate balance of neurotransmitters, hormones, and synaptic connections, finely tuned to respond to the ebb and flow of life's challenges. Some, more acute in stress and difficulty than others.
did you know there is no magic formula to boosting your self-confidence to a level you would finally be happy with?

Here’s the thing. It has everything to do with your brain.

What exactly drives our confidence levels? The answer, it seems, lies in the delicate tightrope walk between our genetics and our environment.
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Studies have shown that certain genetic variations can predispose individuals to either higher or lower levels of confidence, shaping their predisposition towards risk-taking behavior, social interaction, and overall self-perception but regardless of where you find yourself on the genetics self-confidence sliding scale, it is not set in stone. You can change your levels of self-confidence to anywhere you want it to be, at any time no matter what’s happening around you.

Genetics is just one piece of the 4-part puzzle. Our early life experiences, particularly during critical periods of development, also play a role in shaping our neural circuitry and laying the foundation for our sense of self-worth. From the nurturing touch of a caregiver to the subtle cues of approval or disapproval, each interaction leaves an indelible imprint on our developing brains, creating our belief sytems, attitudes, and perceptions of ourselves and the world around us.

But, stay with me here, [FIRST NAME GOES HERE].

This is not all of it. If you are one who may have faced some difficulty in your earlier years – as so many of us have – all is not lost in the self-confidence arena. There is so much more to the story and you are going to be amazed at what your human brain is capable of.

What this means is the environments we find ourselves in, and the relationships that make up the bulk of our social interactions - especially today - also plays a pivotal role in our levels of self-confidence.

It’s not just your genetics and early experiences that influence your confidence levels. Neurotransmitters and hormones, the chemical messengers coursing through your veins, also play a crucial role in shaping your sense of self-worth. Take cortisol, for example – the infamous "stress hormone" I have discussed before.
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When released in response to perceived , cortisol triggers a cascade of physiological responses designed to help you cope with danger. However, acute-chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels that are in your system for unnatural amounts of time – often due to dealing with difficult people and situations you may at times feel unequipped to address successfully - have been linked to a myriad of negative health outcomes, including impaired cognitive function, reduced immune function, and even changes in brain structure and your brain’s functioning – all of which can have profound implications for our confidence and self-esteem. ‼️

For real.

IKR!

Here’s the good news for you today. There are clear solutions and managing your mind. Is your first step to a level of self-confidence beyond your wildest dreams.
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Here’s more good news. You don’t have to change a single thing about the incredible and amazing person you already are. But, you can feel better. Fast.

If you find yourself dealing often with difficult social interactions where you are feeling helpless, at a loss for solutions, or do not seem to know the right “magical formula” to figure out how to manage others (who often seem unmanageable,) this can lead to these elevated levels of neurotransmitters in your system. One HUGE outcome of this is impaired cognitive functioning. Often, after being steeped within a dysfunctional system such as a hostile working environment or difficult family interactions, or even complicated friendships, you could potentially begin to show the signs and symptomology of feeling as though you think you may be having newly manifesting mental health problems – problems that had not been there previously, nor have you ever shown signs and symptoms of.

What is amazing is how these acute-chronic levels of neurotransmitters in our systems can begin to create this mirrored symptomology.

As I always state, mental health issues are a big deal and anyone feeling like they need to reach out, should find a licensed clinical mental health provider for evalution and critical support.
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However, if you did not have such seeming symptoms prior, have been immersed in a highly anxious, stressful, or seemingly unhealthy and dysfunctional system or relationship– and THEN you begin to feel you are mirroring this type of symptomolgy, then you should also consider the affects such acute-chronic stress levels have on your brain.

Here’s a cool neuroscience aside. ⏬ 🔬🧠

🤓🤓🤓

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​Did you know… when your HPA axis comes online and your automatic nervous system response is activated, your body releases this cascade of neurotransmitters and stress hormones throughout your body which are the culprits for that icky feeling of fight, flight, or freeze so many of us are wayyyyyyyy too acquainted with.

After the acute stress encounter has resolved and your survival brain once again understands you are physically safe from any bears, your nervous system releases natural enzymes that literally chomp up these neurotransmitters to immediately remove them from your system. The stress hormones are not made to naturally be there for long periods of time.
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When you are in a situation of acute AND chronic stress, and your automatic nervous system is activated for prolonged amounts of time, and ongoing, which it’s not supposed to, these chomping enzymes do not get released. That is why these neurotransmitters such as cortisol and norepinephrine stay in your system, and, for such prolonged amounts of time, will literally cause damage to your neural wiring, and will shrink the dendrites in your brain.
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Yes. I said it.

Acute stress and anxiety literally cause brain damage and impaired cognitive functioning over time. If you’re living in acute and chronic anxiety and high levels of stress and significant conflict, you are literally damaging your brain.

No job or relationship is worth that. And if you begin to feel physiological emotions and symptomology that causes you to question your mental health in ways you hadn’t prior, that is the first sign of impaired cognitive functioning of your brain. It would immediately follow these high levels of your neurotransmitters who have no respect for your boundaries, making themselves at home where they are not welcomed.

As soon as you are aware of this, it changes everything.

When you merge this idea with previous ideas discussed about how your thoughts are not facts and other people thoughts are not facts, especially their thoughts about you, you will begin to understand that allowing yourself to react to others in a way that causes you acute stress and anxiety, you are giving over your power to another human to cause you actual brain damage. Is that difficult social interaction or situation worth that?

Of course not, but I imagine, up until now you not only know this, but have spent a good amount of your free time beating yourself over the head trying to figure out how on earth you can possibly stop this futile cycle.
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Have no fear. That is coming...

By themselves, such acute-chronic stress levels, often caused by unmanageable conflict and anxiety, can create physical changes to your brain.

For example, when you deal with a difficult person who withholds approval, you may find yourself working hard to earn that acceptance and validation. This is normal. How else can you truly judge your performance and success if you do not welcome and receive feedback well?

You may complete a task successfully in hopes to receive that normal validation for a job well done. You are competent, capable, educated, talented, and an incredible problem solver - I already know this - but it never hurts to have that reinforced.

But what about that co-worker, boss, or loved one who is hard fought to dole out well deserved positive feedback or constructive crtitique? Is there someone like that in your life you just can't seem to please no matter how many problems you solve, or jobs-well-done you achieve?

That long sought out acceptance seems constantly just out of your reach and it can be maddening. There's a nerdy thing I geek out on here too:

Your brain will release the neurotransmitter, Dopamine – the “feel good” brain chemical – in anticipation of the approval you are sure you will receive. Here’s the catch. When you do not receive that approval you expect from the constant grump, crumugeon, or sometimes bully-person in your life - that person who seems to never be pleased with you no matter what (I can name several myself over the years who used to baffle me to no end), it can cause real and significant neurological damage.

Neurotransmitters are no joke and you not only desperately need to know about them, and you need to have a healthy dose of respect for their power.

Research indicates that anticipating a reward, such as approval for problem-solving and success, activates brain regions releasing dopamine and causing this sense of happiness.

However, if the expected reward is withheld, it creates stress instead, increasing activity in the brain's stress system and decreasing reward system activation, leading to heightened stress response, and, counterintuitively, more seeking of the withheld reward. Indeed, work on Effort-Reward Imbalance suggests that high stress and low reward circumstances at work and in relationships have potent negative health effects. (This body of research is all sourced from my dissertation work.)

So, the bottom line? Handing over the power over and agency of your own joy, happiness, sense of purpose, satisfaction, self-worth, validation, and all of the other things I know you seek for yourself has so many more dangerous and life-altering consequences.

Much of this has absolutely nothing to do with you, your competency, your likability, your performance, or who you are.

It's just science.

So, how do you get different results?

Try this on and see how it fits. I may be putting my preacher had on here, so duck.

The next time that difficult person at work or in that constant and inescapable situation in your life, comes at you and does that thing awful thing they do that you believe causes your automatic nervous system response to activate in a reactive way, triggers that cascade of neurotransmitters into your body - which is the cause of why you feel yucky in the moment - work The Model.

Rather than you believing something is wrong with you, start working The Model, paying attention to how awful your body feels, and begin to cognitively identify the immediate thoughts of how terrible you are because you cannot respond the way you want to in the moment to someone else who’s being a jerk. (Yes, are in no way alone in the I am terrible because I didn't say that amazing come-back I thought of at 3:12AM Club.)

🙋🏻‍♀️

Begin to practice identifying instead, those awful feelings as the sign when to you begin practicing your thought work intentionally.

This is where the magic happens.

Wait for it...

This is the precise moment - every time - when you start to identify that whatever 12-layered-taco-dip-word-buffet that is coming out of that person‘s mouth... is just their brain literally making up and spitting word-taco-dip at you.

It means nothing.

It means as little personally to me as when I see anything potentially made out of cauliflower in the buffet line and I choose to walk right past it. How ridiculous would it be if I took cauliflower mash personally? (I hate all things cauliflower, BTW.)

It is your brain that is interpreting and then giving meaning to those words, because of the thoughts your brain is spitting out at you too.

That’s a lot of spitting and the cauliflower hasn't even made an appearance yet.

None of the words your antagonist throws at you are based in any kind of real fact that can be proven in the court of law.

Anything that remotely has any inkling of opinion or description is not a fact.

• "You did this wrong..."

  • Who determines which person's idea of "right" is, well... right?

• "You yelled at me..."

  • This is a good one with my kids. "Honey, if I yelled at you, you would know it. That was not yelling.." (But was it?) 🤔

• "I don't like how you were looking at me..."

  • "Dude... that's just my face... and I was looking at the person right behind you who stiffed me on my tip last shift, the jerk..."

I mean, the things your brain can come up with in literally a hot nanosecond before you can even process is bananas. And suddenly you are saddled with awful emotions, self doubt, self consciousness, and often knee-jerk self-talk you have been allowing towards yourself your whole life.

Not cool.

All of those words are the other person’s brain just yelling words and then your brain starts yelling words at you too. That’s a lot of yelling at you.

And their words... it’s all a house of cards.

It is a house built on sand.

It is not real. It is not fact. And you don’t have to buy it and you definitely do not ever have to believe it. And you surely do not have to own it.

Buckle up, you're gonna love this hard left...

Instead, find some gratitude in the bizarro and absurdly creative way their brain has decided to interpret something you said or did (or didn't), how their brain immediately provided them with thoughts, based in absolutely nothing but pure opinion, and has, in less than terra-seconds, convinced them those words are definitive fact.

It gets better because, in response to whatever those words are that now run rampant, grounded in nothing, through their brain, this person has immediately made the horrible judgment of opening their mouth and letting that non-truth-taco-dip-gobbledygook-kitchen-sink-spagetti-sauce-word- flambé actually come out.

Here's the best part of this.

When you look at this person, who may well have just yesterday been the bane of your existence and stands for everything you devalue in this world, and begin to truly realize it for what it is - that they actually believe unquestionably that what they’re saying is the die-in-the-ditch-God's-honest-truth-from-their-lips-to their-Savior's-ears-truth rather than understanding they've been had by their own brain, prepare yourself because you may just keep over in the most deep, resonating, peels-of-laughter-belly-spasms-hilarity you may be blindsided by.

Clearly, they took the blue pill.

The Matrix

They do not yet see behind the curtain of what is really going on - as you are now beginning to.

And that’s actually really sad because all of us, until we learn this work, are convinced by our brains that we are the heroes of every story, we are always right - even when we are right about being awful and wrong - duped by our primitive brain.

There’s no reason for you to allow made up, non-real, brain-spitting-words-at-you-based-in-nothing-and-are-entirely-fictitious, cause you brain damage.

Their "factual" opinion of you, your hair, your performance, your tone, your face, your shoes, your likability, your competency, your goodness, your, your, your... are basically their hallucinations of what they believe to be cold, hard, fact.

Yes. When you believe your thoughts to be irrevokable stone-cold-truth, you are basically hallucinating through your life.

And so is your antagonist.
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This is the time where some unhelpful person tells you to imagine the person in question "standing before you in their underwear."

Such a tried and true platitude, and I get the point - sounds like a good idea in theory, except, there’s no way to actually will your brain into doing that in the moment, nor does it actually help you when in a high stress, acute anxiety moment - especially one that involves conflict.

It's also not true nor is it believable.

Your brain will never cooperate if it doesn't believe it true. Like, FE, I am gonna go on KETO and lose 100 pounds in 6 months... ok, yeah, you give it a good 6 weeks but then your brain finally stops placating you and causes you to dive head long into that mound of toasted, buttered, french scratch baguettes.

Remember the Motivational Triad: Your brain only ever

• Seeks pleasure / safety

• Avoids pain / death

• Conserves energy at all costs (that's why simply going outside for a "quick run" is often a near-impossible feat) because your brain knows it must not expend any undue energy or burn unnessesary calories because at any moment it needs to be ready to run you, like the dickens, away from that ever-looming bear. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yeah. It's a thing.

The moment you get it, you concede to the real science behind what is happening, and then realizing the person you have, for so long, given away all of your power to and has caused you so much undue stress and anxiety has absolutely no clue how is that person actually standing in their underwear in front of you just letting their ignorance hang out because they have absolutely no clue just how off base they are.

And this is not about you being right, this is about you just having the stand-up-in-a-court-of-law-factual-information.

You now see behind the curtain of what’s really going on.

You don't have to play that game any more.

this right here, folks

It’s a thing.

Homework:

Your homework this week is to just sit with this.

As you sit with this you will eventually come to the inevitable and life changing realization that this work is legit, it will change your life forever, and it will change how you manage your brain when other people around you are unmanageable.

Once you truly sit with this evidence-based strategy, my hope for you is that you begin to clearly see for the first time how ridiculous and outré what you once perceived as a high-anxiety enducing encounter with a chronic jerk who once convinced you something is broken in you, faulty, wrong is simply just someone who has been duped into believing that the word-salad their salad-shooter-brain-on-Redbull is shooting out at them is factual and true.

It's not. You never have to believe their words again.

Ever.

Now, if that’s not somebody standing in front of you in their underwear, I don’t know what is because it’s the kookiest, most ridiculous scenario ever.

Other people's thoughts and words are not true and not factual if there is any hint at all of opinion or description.

It’s not believable.

No matter what it is.

It doesn’t matter.

You may have totally messed up, you may have said the wrong thing, of course who decides what is it and isn’t wrong to say, but nothing that you have done, ever, warrants the type of scenario from gaslighting, to verbal to emotional, psychological, or even spiritual abuse that would create this neurological perfect storm that results in your damaged brain. That’s just batty-bananarama.

One quick thing tho...

Just do me the honest favor of not cracking up and laughing directly in anyone's face as best you can because ultimately that is unkind, and by no means is that the end result I’m hoping that you will get from this work. Prepare yourself now because you just might be in for some fun.

[FIRST NAME GOES HERE], truly learning the neuroscience behind managing your mind and practicing thought work will give you the most incredible freedom and such immense power over the agency of your own life rather than leaving it in the hands of one who clearly does not respect your well-being.

This work is truly life-altering and powerful.

But, remember, with great power comes great responsibility.

That's a quote from the Bible if you need a citation, Luke 12:48

Toby is the BEST Spiderman, hands down

But I digress. Let’s get back to the science.

Bottom line.
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Chompy enzymes are your friends.

Lots of chompy enzymes = lots of self-confidence.

You want chompy enzymes (belly laughter), not damaged dendrites (brain damage).

This is the result, I promise you, you can have if you practice this work consistently.

Success is built on a pile of failures, so do not think you will be good at this right away.

You will not.

You will still feel icky.

You will still have strong, physiological emotions that overwhelm your body. You will still ruminate over those should’a, could’a, would'a's.

You will still come up with that perfect thing you should’ve said in the moment at 3:12AM if not for that stinkin' cortisol culprit that wrecked your come-back-Kingmojo for you.
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I know this because it took me a long time to reprogram and rewire my own brain and body and began instinctively to identify the feelings, to kickstart my prefrontal cortex, and begin to listen to the words accosting me with an entirely new set of ears.

I failed a lot at it.

When I say a lot, I mean a lot.

You will too.

But every single time I practice this, I put another stone in place for my foundational fortress.

I began to build up my automatic brain response and worked hard to raise my tolerance level for the ill-informed, bless-their-hearts.

Like I know you will do, I pushed through, and, suddenly, I found I had a heart packed full of empathy for those who used to, what my brain interpreted as, causing me significant harm until I arrived at a new result I was happy with. This only happened once I stopped resisting the fact that no one's thoughts about me or words thrown at me can actually cause me harm.

It is the thoughts I allow to take up rent-free space in my head my brain just loves to pelt me with like counterintuitive self-inflicted water torture that was entirely responsible for and the full cause of my yuck feelings.

Today, it now is second nature to think new thoughts, feel new feelings, take new actions, and get different and better results.

Today, I feel so good about myself, regardless of whatever word-search-alphabet-soup-syllable-jumble that is being thrown at me out of the mouth of someone else’s misinformed brain.

I’m not kidding about the laughing either, because I’ve done it.

Literally in people's faces.

Don't be like me in that regard.

It doesn’t end well. And it just made me laugh that much harder, digging a bigger hole.

I warn you now because it is so unfathomably hysterical in ways you cannot foresee when you get to the other side.

So no, please do not belly laugh when dude, who’s behavior mirrors the very definition of bullying starts to bully you yet again and you magically notice you no longer care.

No, we shouldn’t laugh, but just wait until you get to that place in this work when it becomes so flipping funny you learn there’s no better, deeper, belly laugh that is all encompassing in the power of healing than that.

I cannot wait for you to experience it.

It’s incredible.

You must no give over how you feel about yourself to other people. By doing so, you hand off agency and control (as best any of us have control) over your own life to others.

They will not take care of your joy.

This is a formula for terrible self-esteem because it relies solely on the approval and acceptance of others.

You will never cultivate true levels of self confidence that are true and believable this way.

Stop that.

Instead, ask yourself, what is the situation. Is it worth your health and cognitive functioning? Because, … that is what is at stake, truly, when you continue to be in the midst of an unmanageable, stressful environment or in difficult social interactions you may be forced to endure day in and day out with no real solutions through evidence-based practices close at hand.

The solutions, first, is learning to manage your mind. By doing this thought work, you take away a routinely difficult person’s power over your own brain and emotions. Once you learn how to manage your mind, the power others have over how you feel dissipates almost immediately.

No it’s not magic. It’s science and practice.

I learned how and it changed my entire life.

So can you!

LMK if you need a hand as you start to practice this work.

I can’t wait for you to meet this future version of YOU!

To your continued growth and success,

Talk soon,

~ C

Sources:

• Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W H Freeman/Times Books/ Henry Holt & Co.

• Lupien, S. J., McEwen, B. S., Gunnar, M. R., & Heim, C. (2009). Effects of stress throughout the lifespan on the brain, behaviour and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 434-445.

• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. Guilford Press.

• https://www.janinedutcher.com/uploads/4/1/3/8/41383683/dutcher_creswell_nbr_2018.pdf