The Kryptonite to So-Called Burnout New Post + Bonus "Get Your Self-Purpose Back: A Step-by-Step Interactive eWorkbook"
11. The Kryptonite to So-Called Burnout
Purpose & Burnout
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I have argued in my research that "burnout" is rarely what people think it is.
Often when you are "burned out" to the point of feeling you are at our wits' end about a thing... you often aren't.
It just feels like it.
And for a good reason.
Keep reading until the end to learn what the kryptonite to so-called "burnout" is, the step-by-step process to start defeating it, and the bonus resource Get Your Self-Purpose Back: A Step-by-Step Interactive eWorkbook to get you started on your practice!
If you are feeling ready to quit a job, leave a relationship, or just stop putting your all into something that used to matter to you... you might believe you are in a season of "burn out."
You are often told you are "burned out."
Sometimes you may be stuck in that awful place of "indecision," the place my own coach calls the "Miserable Maybe..."
You want to make some changes. You know what those changes should be... sort of. You know you aren't happy with the "here and now," but you are feeling directionless; rudderless; a sailboat without any wind just bobbing on the surface wishing for that sign - that fleeting brush of momentum - well, really, ANYTHING!
Indecision is exhausting. You might even convince tell yourself too that you are "burned out."
I would argue you are not.
Consider this.
How often have you been in the exact situation you are in right now and never felt more alive and engaged in your life despite the difficulty?
Think about a time when you were so excited about a similar situation, maybe it was work or a project or the early stages of a relationship.
You were in a season of what one might call overwhelm, burning that candle at both ends literally or metaphorically, not getting the right amount of sleep, giving it your all and, yes you were tired, but you loved what you were doing or how you felt when you were with someone so much that you were not deterred, exhausted, apathetic, or full of despair.
What is the difference between that season and a season where you have felt entirely "burned out?"
I believe it is because you had a sense of something you wanted to accomplish.
You had a plan and a goal.
You KNEW what direction you just had to go in. Without any doubt. And the gusts were filling your sails. You were moving.
You had desired outcomes you could imagine with telescopic vision.
You had excitement, vision, energy, encouragement, and some form of a plan.
You knew you were good at this thing, it was working, it just felt right, you had plans and dreams of desired outcomes you could practically envision, you felt tugged and called and propelled, and it was worth all of the hard work, lost sleep, and investment.
You had a purpose.
Exactly.
You. Had. Purpose.
Weren't you working so hard, losing sleep because you were
all in
in the zone
excited and energized
producing and accomplishing
were contributing to some greater thing
moving towards a desired future self
content, even joyful
buoyed and supported by those invested as much as you were?
Regardless of the season of work you were putting into the thing, you had a sense of engagement and satisfaction in the specific thing.
Momentum.
You were choosing the thing and, despite the odds and the imposing challenges, you pushed through, did the work, made the time, stuck it out, and felt a sense of accomplishment regardless of outcomes.
Often, when we are all in and in the zone, it's the journey, the process, the work, the use of our time, talents, emotions, and the sense of contribution that we focus on.
We focus on the hard work.
We zero in on the challenges.
One might even say we love it.
One can get used to the reinvigorating and rejuvenating feeling of doing good work, investing in a promising relationship, leaning in to solving a big problem, going all in on a promised future just in reach with some elbow grease, or learning how to successfully complete that project.
But this is only the case when you feel that sense of purpose in the thing you are doing or experiencing.
Dirty Tactics
Often people will tell you that when you feel "burned out" it is because you have either lacked the appropriate level of "self-care" and/or "boundaries" you should have had.
If you watched the first two episodes of my new podcast which was initially the interactive part of my dissertation, you know that I believe "burnout" is a dirty word.
You can add "self-care" to that dirty-word list.
When you are told that you are responsible for your own burnout because you lack "self-care" and "boundaries," part of that can be true. You are responsible for your choices - both how you treat yourself and the levels of behavior you tolerate from others in order to function in emotional adulthood.
However, if you are not equipped to see this all coming a mile away, or have the tools to head it off at the pass with humor, self-confidence, and joy, often when others use these platitudes at you, it will seem more like a gaslighting trick to put the onus of what is happening around you entirely back upon you.
And you will feel alone and on the defense. You will become reactionary. You will struggle being in control of your own emotional life.
This is a two-fold problem.
1. You have no idea what is happening moment to moment and you slowly snowball past your threshold into the uncharted waters of cognitive dissonance and loss of control of your own emotional life. It's like other people are now in control of the entire outcome of your own day.
2. Others who are often untrained in the work of Mind Management and Thought Work implicitly or explicitly, are using these tactics against you.
And few seem willing to talk about this.
What is important to remember is that most people really aren't coming at you intentionally. It just feels that way.
Most people are just trying to get by and most people believe they are not only right, but they are coming from a place of knowing what is "best." When we do not understand Thought Work, we all believe our thoughts are facts and we double-down on them.
When this begins to happen, it is so much easier to "other" the one we feel "right" against. It is so much easier to stop seeing their humanity and start to see them as enemy.
The truth be told, this is kind of just human nature left over from tribal times and we have to work against it every single day or it overwhelms us.
Burnout, a lack of self-care and bad boundaries are sneak attack tactics often times unbeknownst to the wielder, yet fully intended on distracting you from the issues at hand, leaving you feeling like you failed or there is something wrong with you.
It's a really good strategy.
It's basically what the kids now call what-about-ism."
As in, "Okay, yeah, I may have done this but what about when you did that? Hmmmmm?"
It's a distraction from the issue at hand, intentional or not, and rarely is a human's first instinct to roll over and admit defeat at first blush. Nope. The defensive stance usually is what comes next.
Back in the day, it served a purpose.
It kept you alive and not dead.
We don't need this today. It's archaic and gets us nowhere, fast.
It alleviates the burden of any accountability on others who might make things more - rather than less - difficult for you and others.
You have probably done this too at some point. Give it a few minutes thought.
You know you have.
Everyone has.
Implicit or explicit, these are dirty tactics and gutter fighting.
Have you ever experienced a gas-lighting partner you were bananas about initially and yet you stayed in the relationship too long, putting up with nonsense when you knew it was no longer working?
And have you stayed in a relationship too long with someone bananas over you,putting up with nonsense when you knew it was no longer working?
Have you loved the idea of a job so much that you stayed too long putting up with nonsense?
Did you leave these situations exhausted, feeling metaphorically beat up, like you fell short of expectations, didn't have "healthy boundaries," couldn't get it right no matter how hard you tried or what you did?
You get the idea.
In the mid 1970's Dr. Christina Maslach created what became known as the "Maslach Burnout Inventory" commonly referred to as the MBI. She described "burnout" as "a prolonged response to chronic interpersonal stressors on the job, characterized by emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and reduced personal accomplishment."
Maslach did great work bringing the idea of "burnout" to the forefront.
Her basic theory was that it is allowing yourself to succumb to "work overload" that leads to exhaustion, depersonalization, and disengagement; AKA "burnout" or "dysregulated emotional overwhelm."
She argues that it is the "work overload" which comes first, and the exhaustion, depersonalization, and disengagement follow.
From my own experience, I took issue with this.
I believe it is exactly the opposite.
Throughout my entire working career in my previous field, I faced multiple seasons I would have described as "work overload," and yet I never felt truly "exhausted," became depersonalized, or lost my engagement in my greater sense of my work.
How many of us have worked tirelessly to get to where we are in our lives whether it be a job, relationships, family, finances... just fill in the blank.
In all of my years of the continuous interpersonal difficulty I seemingly faced in my high-stress and often misogynistic field, I have never once thought to throw all of that hard work away because I felt "overworked" or "overloaded."
No matter how many grumpy disagreements I have with my partner, I have never truly thought about throwing in the towel.
I definitely had in previous relationships. Hence why I am not in them. But leaving well or being left well? Not usually the previous outcome because I had not been equipped.
I had worked way too hard and put up with way too much nonsense to just throw in the towel in the face of so-called "burnout" or "emotional overwhelm."
That's just ludicrous.
Who throws everything away, when things you have worked so hard for have come to fruition, when you are enjoying it, you are contributing and feeling fulfilled, all because you are "overloaded."
Nope.
So-called "burnout" is not a thing.
No one would throw away happy or even content simply because of "overwork."
More often than not, when I felt overworked, it was because I loved what I invested in so much I often struggled to STOP putting my all into it. Whatever it was.
If I was all in on a thing, I needed intervention to rest, take a break, realign my focus onto other priorities...
I disagree with this typical definition of "burnout."
What led to my symptomology of so-called "burnout" was not work-overload.
Purpose
Often, I believe, what has happened is that you have lost your purpose.
A loss of purpose is the catalyst to the destructive force behind why you are at your wits' end about whatever it is you are currently doing.
You see, overload, overwork, late nights, early mornings, no help, grumpy disagreements, all of the barriers never made me even consider leaving something I was truly invested in, heart, mind, soul, and spirit.
It was the fact that my purpose had been beaten out of me by seemingly dysfunctional systems and toxic, hostile, unprofessional and unkind people I described at the time, that started me down that path to ultimately leaving my field. Again, my experience may see more acute than most. It may have been. But it is the driving force behind why I am writing to you today. I don't ever want anyone else to experience what I did. That's my goal.
And you don't have to ever again.
For me, my purpose had been beaten out of me emotionally, psychologically, vocationally, and spiritually, and honestly, I didn't even know it.
I was the frog in the proverbial pot of slow-boiling water.
And I could not see my own part in it. I was blind to my own complicity because I lacked the tools, strategy, technique to identify it.
I was basically, entirely ill-equipped for what I unknowingly had walked right into, face first.
From my perspective, I was barreling down the black-diamond slope straight to burnout and emotional dysregulation, without any ski lessons.
Yeah, I may have hit a few trees along the way, too.
Face-first.
I thought I had been convinced by those responsible for immersing me in dysfunctional systems and hostile environments, that it had been my fault.
I was convinced I was the one who couldn't get it just right.
I was convinced I was the one who deserved the full blunt force of criticism.
I was convinced I was the one who could never seem to attain the ever-moving-goalpost of external validation and approval from those who were seemingly using these tactics that kept me confused and in my place.
I believed at the time I was being intentionally distracted from my purpose by dirty tactics because I was entirely emotionally dysregulated, I was reactive rather than responsive, and I did not have the tools I now have to manage my own mind and thoughts, and to regulate my own emotional life.
What I learned later was that it wasn't really me. Well, it mostly wasn't me. We all have some part to play in every situation we must reflect upon, acknowledge, and address. Usually, it's simply that we lack the tools to address all of this stuff in direct and healthy ways. We are basically just ill-equipped.
No, of course I am not perfect, but any mistakes I may have made as I learned and grew in my field or relationships did not warrant emotional, verbal, psychological, and, at times, spiritual abuse from those I was tasked to serve, help, or partner with whether I was equipped or not.
Those types of mistakes are normal and part of getting better at whatever it is that we do in our lives and relationships. Others should be helping us in that learning. We should be helping others coming behind us.
We are meant to learn from our mistakes in order to evolve.
We are tasked to help others with this as well in order to keep that archaic tribe mentality healthy from threat and attack... minus the low blows and dirty tactics.
But, your survival brain's first response is always to take a defensive stance, no matter what.
If your lizard brain sees someone as a weak link, they jeopardize the tribe.
Criticism is simply your brain (or others') attempting to desperately shore up the defensive measures to keep everyone within the group safe.
We are often jerks about the how we do this.
Our brains are just wired that way.
Our survival brains often are still running the show anytime emotion gets involved.
Our neurotransmitters are just itching to cascade through your body, keep you and your group on high alert and safe from not-being-dead.
Your brain wants desperately to be liked so you get to stay safe in your community. Your brain wants desperately for all involved in that system to do their part well to keep everyone in it safe.
We often think we know what that right thing is. It's just biology.
And when your Automatic Nervous System comes on line and all of those neurotransmitters start cascading through your body preparing you for the basic survival mechanism of fight-flight-freeze-fawn, those neurotransmitters feel TERRIBLE!
It took me way too long to understand that no matter how hard I worked, how incredible the results were I produces, how good I was at what I knew I was called to do and who I knew I should be, no matter how well the hard seasons I weathered came together successfully, I was never going to make those around me happy if they were intent on interfering because they saw me as some kind of "threat" to the community safety.
No matter what.
It was never going to be good enough.
Why?
Because from their perspective, I wasn't doing it right and was a "danger" to the community.
Here's the saddest part.
I was the professional with the education, training, certifications, and experience. I was the one who actually knew generally, what was the right path to take. I was the leader.
Yet, by not being equipped to see the criticism, attacks, and seemingly dirty tactics coming, and having the tools and techniques to ward off and withstand them, my self-confidence eroded, and I tipped over that threshold into cognitive dissonance and the dysregulation of my own emotional life.
Without the tools and techniques, this often happens to many. And they cannot understand why.
The WHY is simple (but not necessarily easy. Full disclosure)
Disengagement from the thing is not the outcome of burnout, as many would argue.
Disengagement is the cause of burnout.
the loss of your purpose, drive, and direction
your sense of contribution and partnership wains
the lack of positive and constructive feedback you need to simply know you are succeeding at the thing
unwarranted and aggressive criticism you don't feel you deserve
made to feel you can't seem to get it right
the world around you beginning to no longer matching up with your own sense of reality and truth
These are the types of things that lead to disengagement, exhaustion, depersonalization, and ultimately, "burnout."
Then, you tip over that threshold.
The disengagement only comes after your sense of purpose has been lost.
It is in that moment you begin to feel beaten down.
Overwhelmed.
Overloaded.
Underappreciated.
Not heard.
Overfunctioning.
Exhausted.
Fed up.
Directionless.
And the "I'm Out" inevitably follows.
It is in that moment, and that moment alone, when you would consider throwing it all away.
Walking out.
Checking out.
Disengaging.
Stop caring.
When you work tirelessly on something you love, something you are called to, something you have fought for, whatever it is, and you never seem to get anywhere - get results, make change, feel much sense of contentment or joy in your action, find any reciprocation or even gratitude from others - it can beat you down.
This is not about a sense of personal accomplishment where you need a pat on the head and a "well done" external validation and approval.
This is about the change you want to make in the world.
That positive contribution towards joy, improvement, helping others, finding a meaningful relationship of value, adding something to the world you in your own ways dream of.
This is not about seeking approval and acceptance in order to validate your own self worth.
For some it is, but that is not what I am talking about in this specific piece.
Kick that useless thought to the curb with a pair of steel-toes stilettos.
It will not serve you.
When you work hard in that relationship or that thing you are all-in on and you receive no reciprocated love or mutual respect - you start to feel terrible.
Terrible about you.
That's not validation seeking.
That is a lack of being granted your human dignity; being treated with basic mutual respect; others understanding the importance of gratitude for the people around us; we understanding that for them.
All of those things are on others.
Not you, in this specific scenario, unless you are the one being the jerk.
Don't be a jerk.
And these are also the things those responsible for such behavior will want to distract you from and gaslight you over.
They would hope to toss you over your personal threshold of how much of this nonsense you can truly tolerate and hope to land you into cognitive dissonance. Whether the "they," or you, or we mean to do this intentionally is beside the point.
It serves the survival brain to keep what folks "think" as fact what will keep the homeostasis - the status quo - from that person's own perspective.
Because
1. They believe their thoughts to be fact
2. They believe they are right.
This is the crucial moment when you can so easily lose your way into that confusing realm of questioning what is true, real, and your part of the responsibility.
You will then often:
second guess yourself
struggle with self-doubt
feel less than
feel unequipped
feel something is wrong with you
feel you can't get stuff right like other people seem to
ruminate
fight/flight/freeze/fawn
overfunction
people please
become emotionally dysregulated
check out
feel exhausted
fall prey to acute-chronic stress and anxiety - which leads to actual damage to your brain, FYI (LEARN ABOUT THIS IN EPISODE 3 OF MY PODCAST)
and so many more mirrored symptomatology
But, when you were all in, and then things changed, whether over time or abruptly, and you find yourself instead full of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, you may begin the snowballing effect down the steep run towards the loss of your sense of purpose.
And it is not a thing you have fumbled and smashed on your own because you are clumsy.
You know better than that.
It was smacked out of your hand and sent tumbling into an eruption of fractured bits and shards, scattered upon the tiled floor.
Sometimes, irreparable.
Because you were ill equipped in the face of dirty tactics.
When you work hard on that project, that relationship, that thing your heart is all in on, where you give it everything you have as
a trained, experienced, and educated expert in your field
a change maker
a contributor
a kind hearted person
one who expects and gives mutual respect and dignity
a partner and friend
one who cares for justice
a human with good intentions
you know, basically... not a jerk
...and it's thrown to the wayside, not taken seriously, criticized by others who lack your expertise, work ethic, and kind heart - it is THEN when you genuinely start to feel terrible.
Well, if any of this is resonating in your life, then you are one of my people so here's the good news.
You can stop feeling terrible,
And there are solutions.
And they are simpler than you think.
The Formula
There is a 5 part process I have created from my own story, experience, and research that I want to share with you so that you can get started on that desired change.
It is comprised of 5 organic minerals found within the crust and mantle of your very being.
And you unearth these in 3 Steps.
These elements must be discovered, then must undergo the process of compression needed to transform them into the beautiful gem that cumulates into the utter destruction of seeming insurmountable superpowers.
These elements and this process is the recipe for the formation of what will become your kryptonite.
These seeming evil-villian-nemisis style behaviors of others you believe are the cause of your emotional dysregulation and yucky feelings can be surmounted.
By you.
You already have the 5 elements required.
Did you know that?
There is nothing you need to do or get or believe.
You just need to know the how.
Well, it's the how that I teach.
I'll walk you through the step-by-step here:
Once you generally identify the thing, relationship, situation, circumstance, feeling, etc., that is at the core of the issue which needs exploring, you need to practice a few simple steps in the process of creating the chemical composition needed in the formation of your kryptonite.
Step 1. Exploration
Here are the first 3 elements you must discover, which you already have within the rich layers that comprise who you already are.
Identify the Issues and Desired Outcomes
Trust Yourself. Remember why you are still in it, doing it, showing up, or dealing with the nonsense to begin with. From your perspective, and your perspective alone, what do you want and what is standing in your way? Trust yourself. Only you know the answers for you. Identify the issues that are most urgent for you now and what the desired outcomes would be if you could wave that wand and "magic" all of that interference away. Write down those outcomes.
Find your rocket fuel.Fuel yourself. As you consider the issue, your "why," and the interfering source of your desired outcomes, notice your energy when contemplating this. The direction of outcomes that still generates the most energy within you is the path you must now take. Use that energy for good, not evil. Use it to fuel your purpose straight through the seemingly hostile and rocky terrain because once you are Managing you Brain, you have learned the "how."
Consider your action plan, your purpose, i.e., outcomes or reasons why you are still in it. This process will generate the resources within you, creating a natural energy source to fuel and sustain you as you weather seemingly undaunted external forces. This step will generate that energy. Or it won't. You then begin to identify your direction. Your purpose.
2b. The stakes. Remember: changing what other people think, feel, say, and do is not optional - because you can't change other people so stop wasting your time trying. It's not happening. You will continue to be a hamster on a wheel, getting nowhere fast. Identify for yourself what is at stake for you alone, if you DO make the changes within you to remove these barriers. What is at stake if you DON'T. Again, whichever path generates the most energy - achieving your desired outcomes or not - that is the path to follow.
Use your brain. Rather than being reactionary from your survival brain, you need to begin practicing how to live in your evolved brain. Survival is the Amygdala. Evolved is the Prefrontal Cortex. Learn about these.
It takes practice and discipling to begin to kickstart your evolved brain in the moments you most need it. The problem is your brain is still wired by default to give control over to the survival brain anytime seeming threat or high emotion rears it's ugly head.
Learning how to Manage your Brain by using Thought Work is the key to how to do this. You can then begin to determine what you can think, feel, say, and do in those moments of seeming "panic" to remove the blocks and barriers interfering between you and your desired outcomes. The key here is you have to do this without changing what other people think, say, do, and feel!
Once you have gone through these 3 steps - and in the attached bonus resource workbook these are broken down into 8 steps for better clarity - you have extracted the first 3 minerals needed in your compound.
By identifying the most important issue, you discover you need to:
Trust yourself
Find what fuels you
Use your evolved brain to figure out how to overcome interference, fancied or real, implicit or explicit.
What is left?
Step 2. Compression.
These steps are simple, but they are not easy.
Challenges
Here are the challenges that might arise as you think this through. I will help you out:
The problem is not me. It's not even mostly or often me. It is with the other person/people. How can I address things if you say their actions are beyond my control?
When I am being _______ (attacked, gaslit, questioned, criticized, doubted...) I get confused. I can't tell where their accountability stops and mine starts. Maybe later on I can see more clearly but not in the moment.
But what if they are right?
If this involves confronting people, count me out. That _____ (terrifies me, causes me to fight/flight/freeze/fawn, sets me off...) I just can't.
I am already emotionally dysregulated - how can I address any of this when I don't feel in control of my own emotional life.
I have no idea the difference between Amygdala and Prefrontal Cortex. I am NOT a neurologist, dude.
This is too far gone to possibly salvage. My only option is escape.
Is this realistic? How is discovering my "why," my "fuel," my "purpose" going to help in a real life high stakes situation? Baloney. Give me a break.
When I am "in the crucial moment" I am already struggling with, it is then that I CAN'T think. That's the whole problem. You are talking about a full-on Catch 22 here. Not helpful...
I have spent my life being socialized to seek external validation and approval to provide me with my own self worth and value. How can I identify what I truly want for myself after so many years of this?
Both sets of stakes stink. Sounds like I either have to fight or flight. That's the problem in the first place! Thanks a lot (dripping sarcasm/harsh eye roll)
Ouch.
Okay, okay, I hear you.
Tough crowd. Sheesh.
I am sure you have many more to add to this list.
I get it.
Okay, but here is why I can write this list and more because I have thought it for myself about my own coaches when I was deep in doing the hard work of mining my own raw, natural resources.
The Metamorphic Process of Compression
Compression is all about your own self awareness, self reflection, and willingness to come to such answers on your own.
For yourself.
Without the approval, validation, or co-signing of the other person involved.
You get to determine for yourself how this plays out.
That's the work.
And you have to be willing.
You have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Some might go as far as to say you have to "hit rock bottom."
Without willingness, nothing can happen.
If you are not yet willing to go all in, you need to stay out there until you are finally done with the serious and damaging nonsense... and can still make it back.
4th Element: Willingness
Willingness is your 4th element.
Willingness is the pressure needed to actualize your kryptonite into being.
Willingness is the 4th element and the key to the metamorphic process.
Once I learned the tools to manage my own brain, not only did I discover I had the resources all along within me to create what I needed to defeat all of the challenges that interfered with my own sense of self worth, joy, and contentment, I began to see things so differently.
I saw through the world and external interference with my progress, goals, dreams like I had just manifested X-ray vision.
I saw everything so clearly for what it was and suddenly I had entire control of my emotional life again.
It was indeed a true metamorphosis for me.
The process I learned and ultimately evolved into my latest Kryptonite Course that I am now sharing with you, worked.
I took some concepts from my coaches, as we coaches do, and I added and expanded upon them to make a program of my own.
I turned what I thought of myself as coal into a truly multifaceted, sparking, precious gem.
And once I learned about how to manage my brain and self-coach, I began to experience massive change.
And this step I did myself.
Because my coaches showed me how.
But, I learned it had always been there. It just needed a little processing.
I had everything I needed, and I could do everything on my own.
I didn't need external direction, validation, approval, or acceptance.
Neither do you.
Not only did I stop fearing other people, worried about how they would react to me, averse to conflict and confrontation, fragile to criticism and hateful commentary, blindsided by ugly behavior and disapproval...
I stopped caring about all of it all together. I'm not kidding.
My kids tease me today and we have a joke where they blindside me with ugly stuff just to see if I get offended. I mean, I know it's coming for the most part and I know they are mostly joking, but it's really true.
I couldn't care less what other people think, say, do, or feel today. ESPECIALLY when it involves their opinion or criticism of me.
I am a new creation.
Because I learned that it didn't matter.
The change was quick and glorious. And is still with me today.
When I understood how to manage my own brain, and I truly saw Thought Work for what it was, I began to see behind the curtain. And I will never go back.
When I was able to dig down through all of the muck and mire and resurface my sense of purpose, turning my sights onto what was meaningful and mattered, when stopped trying to change other people and care what they think, said, did, and felt, I discovered the elements I needed to actualize my kryptonite into reality.
And then my willingness did all the work of compression because the pressure of my desire for change was too great to deny.
That metamorphic process happens naturally.
It was not easy at first, as simple as it may be, but with time, urgency, and the pressure of willingness (as in fed-up-ness), things began to crystalize.
Even when I felt I had failed I had learned the valuable steps and tools I needed to brush it off without all of the ruminating, and continued to practice at it - all without feeling terrible.
You know, that whole "get back on the horse" thing. The difference here, for me was, you could tell me until you are blue in the face to get back on the horse... but without teaching me the HOW-TO, it is impossible to rewire my brain into actualizing that. So thanks, but no thanks.
If information changed behavior... than why am I writing and why are you reading? We would be off living our best lives rn. We aren't idiots after all.
Building new neural pathways, new disciplines, new ideas and ways of seeing things, new discoveries I had explored, new thoughts, feelings, actions, and results actualized new ways of seeing myself and others. Organically. Once I learned how.
It's Science... Just Not Rocket Science
Because, when you take the science of your brain into consideration, it just makes sense. And it works... because... science.
I did it all on my own through what we call the practice of Self-Coaching - which is what our Coaching Practice school of thought teaches our students.
These are the tools I needed that were given to me by my own coaches.
And it starts by learning to managing your brain.
Creating a pearl takes a bit of grit in the mix.
Grit is not easy. It means you bear down laboriously - as in - trudging forward through the muck, mire, rocks, and hidden pitfalls. With a sense of urgency.
With a sense of purpose you have resurfaced that has been within you all along.
But when you rediscover what that purpose is - the first 3 elements, then you combine it with the 4th, a sense of real, urgent willingness and an honest self-assessment, you begin to manage your own brain, re-regulate your own emotional life, and ultimately stop caring about what other people think say, do, and feel.
Especially when it's about you.
Yes. This is a thing.
Yes. It is possible.
I know. Because I have done it.
And it has changed my life.
And it hasn't stopped changing it to this day.
I promise you, if you do the work - it you work it- follow the instructions, there is no way to fail.
If you believe you are dealing with all of the symptomatology that seemingly comes with so called "burnout:"
exhausted
disengaged
disenchanted
fed up
emotionally dysregulated
heightened emotion
feeling directionless
physiological emotion manifesting in your body
health problems due to stress and anxiety around the thing
apathy
despair
feelings of failing, self doubt, negative talk, can't "get it right"
losing sleep because of ruminating or not wanting to get out of bed
just seemingly lost, unmotivated, and flailing...
Once your sense of purpose is lost, it is then the rest of this symptomatology of so called "burnout" will follow.
That was my hypothesis and has now become my thesis.
Once you have lost your purpose in the thing or situation, it is in that very moment you tip over your threshold of what you are able to tolerate, and you start down the path to disengagement, depersonalization, overwhelm, and overload.
And often you don't even know where your threshold for bullsh*t tolerance is until you are toppling over it into the abyss.
Which leads to the dark and damaging stuff like resentment, rumination, negative self talk, fear, and despair.
This is what creates a destabilized environment that results in a massive emotional cave in.
The Kryptonite
The only way to defend yourself from what is often described (wrongly) as "burnout" is by protecting your sense of purpose.
At all costs.
Protecting your life-giving purpose - no matter what - is the kryptonite against the forces that thwart your desired outcomes.
Protect it as if you are a mother bird fiercely protecting a fragile, injured, baby bird in your nest.
Protect it as if those messing with you were coming after you child, your best friend, your partner, someone you love - who loves you, too.
Someone you would jump in front of that bullet for.
In the end that person is, ultimately, you.
When you know what your purpose is, when you can define it in a short statement, when you can identify with urgency that it is still life-giving despite the odds, and when you can protect it regardless of what your brain interprets as negativity, naysayers, unhealthy, dysfunctional behavior and criticism you seemingly continue to encounter, you will never succumb to "burnout."
Because so-called "burnout" is not thing.
Burnout is simply a lack of purpose.
Illustration
There is a story told of a college professor who once asked his students the loaded question whether God created everything.
One student replied, yes. The professor is said to have retorted "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil?"
Another student challenged the professor by asking him three questions.
The first was if "cold" existed.
The professor scoffed and said of course.
The student argued, based on the laws of physics, cold was simply the absence of heat.
He then asked the professor if darkness existed.
Once again the professor scoffed and said yes.
The student argued that based on the laws of physics, darkness is merely the absence of light.
The third question was whether evil existed.
To this it is said the Professor replied, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
That young student is said to be no other than Albert Einstein.
In The Confessions, St. Augustine (354-430 CE) wrote that evil is not a thing. It is simply the absence of good.
Augustine's theology may have been where Einstein got it from.
Similar to Einstein and St. Augustine's theories on evil as the absence of good, I contend with the thesis that the seemingly life-wrecking, devastating, earth-shattering phenomena sadly bottled and sold as "burnout" is not a thing.
Burnout is simply the absence of purpose.
Burnout can only be staved off and defeated by a carefully shielded, specifically articulated, and a fiercely protected sense of self-purpose.
Self-purpose has nothing to do with feelings generated from external circumstances - self-purpose is not about acknowledged accomplishment, the approval and validation of others, pats on the back, and "jobs well done."
Self-purpose is entirely an inside job, one that you define for yourself, and it's the North Star you set your sights on, the guiding light towards your self-identified desired outcomes... no matter what interference seemingly tries to thwart you.
Self-purpose is entirely the work of earnest willingness, self-assessment, and self-reflection. It is something no one can do for you nor can they take from you.
They can't.
People cannot take your purpose.
According to the laws of physics, your purpose cannot be granted nor can it be revoked through any external circumstance.
It is physically impossible.
Just as they cannot validate your purpose enough, they cannot devalue it to nothing, either.
It is yours. And yours alone.
If you feel deep within you, regardless of the circumstances - your job, relationship, situation - that your sense of purpose is thriving and alive, then just keep going.
Nurture it.
Protect it.
Feed it.
Fuel it.
Make it everything.
Keep going and discover the natural resources that comprise and generate the renewable energy that only your deep sense of purpose can produce within you.
Keep putting in the work.
Keep giving it your all.
Keep doing the thing that is bringing you that sense of purpose and is life-giving, no matter what.
If you feel you are floundering, unsure, exhausted, and overwhelmed, unclear why and where you have found yourself... you most likely have lost your sense of self-purpose.
It is really that simple.
Discovery
So I want you to take a moment and think about what the number one thing is that you are struggling with right now.
I want you to ask yourself - what is your real self-purpose within this issue?
Why are you in it at all, why are you in the midst of the thing, and what is it that you imagine still accomplishing?
Can you imagine it? If yes, then, next step.
What is it that had generated excitement and energy deep within your being both initially, and still today when you consider your desired outcomes?
Does it still generate that energy if you wave that wand and magic all interference away no matter its severity?
Would that energy still remain?
Does that desired outcome still fill you heart, mind, soul, and spirit with that energy, excitement, a feeling of self-worth, and a sense of being alive and contributing?
Or do you still feel beat down, lost, without hope, apathetic, or feel nothing at all?
If it is the former, my friend, you may have simply lost your sense of purpose. You can get it back.
If it is the latter, you may have yet to define it or you need to move on because your purpose in this particular thing may be dead or never really was.
You can use the bonus resource, the Get Your Self-Purpose Back: A Step-by-Step Interactive eWorkbook, provided to begin the exercise of processing your sense of purpose in the midst of the earth's tremors you face.
Then, you must redefine so-called "burnout" in your life.
Because it's only a platitude meant to make you think you should feel bad about yourself. Nothing more.
It's a distraction.
It's a red herring.
It's a diversion.
And it is typically conceived of out of other people's bad behavior and avoidance of their own complicity. Knowingly or not. And they are only doing it out of their survival instincts. It's just biology. So cut them some slack.
Cut yourself some slack, too.
Once you understand the neurobiology of what is really happening, it starts to carry less weight, urgency, and seriousness.
Start the work of identifying this in others. But also in yourself.
Don't be that guy, either.
Because burnout is not a thing.
Your first step is to start drilling down into the question of seeking out and discovering, or rediscovering, your purpose.
Losing sight of your purpose is akin to mining for recyclable magnesium and unearthing plutonium instead.
Just like your brain, there are true and dire consequences that can result when not managed well; consequences that cause unnecessary and preventable suffering.
Your sense-of-purpose stores may be running dry and it's time to explore, discover, extract, process, and replenish those natural minerals and resources you will discover, laying in wait, already within you.
Step 3. Understanding the Urgent Importance of... YOU
Because the 5th necessary and most crucial element to the formation of your kryptonite
is simply you.
You are the crucial compound to the formula.
You are the humus (dirt) that nurtures the resources you need to manifest your desired change.
You are the Adamah (אדמה, the Earth, the Adam) that already houses these minerals. You are the container they must exist within in order for them to exist at all.
You are the parent material that captures, maintains, and transforms the soil and all that it stores within it necessary for your metamorphic process of, learning, growing, transforming, and, often, healing.
From crust to core, all that you need already resides within the you that you already are.
All you need to do is explore, discover, and unearth those parts of your own already incredible self.
The self you are right this very moment.
The self that is already amazing.
The you the created world delights in.
You are a joy.
You are one of a kind.
Coal is but a gem without compression - willingness - and you are already all of the elements you need to actualize that rare, valued, and sought-after gem you are already meant to be.
Not understanding how to manage your brain has hindered the natural process of your own organic transformation.
It's time you discover this within yourself.
So ask yourself right now... what are you doing here?
What are you seeking?
What brings YOU true joy?
What generates within YOU energy and excitement?
What are YOU earnestly willing to do anything within your power to continue on in the thing?
What is your purpose?
Is it still alive and are do you have that urgent sense of willingness?
Let's get to work and find your purpose, my friend.
Start digging!
I am here to help and support however I can.
You can find out how to work with me HERE if you want to dive deeper and learn more of that urgent "how-to."
LMK how it goes. I would love to hear about what you discover about you!
Grab your Bonus Interactive Workbook PDF:
Get Your Self-Purpose Back: A Step-by-Step Interactive eWorkbook
It's free. Enjoy!
Talk soon,
~ C
Augustine, of Hippo, Saint, 354-430. The Confessions of Saint Augustine. Mount Vernon :Peter Pauper Press, 19401949. (book seven, chapter twelve)
Christina Maslach, in International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences (Second Edition), 2015, https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/burnout
