Boundaries & The Art of Saying ‘No’:A Mini-Masterclass in Self-Preservation
#stopfeelingterrible
Hey Friend!
Welcome & Happy Friday!
I this finds you well and you have incredible plans for this weekend!
We are getting ready for the eclipse. I live in a part of Texas that has a significant amount of totality time and we are preparing for an influx of hundreds of thousands of people.
We will be walking down the street to watch with friends and not leaving the neighborhood that day... probably all weekend.
I hope you get to enjoy incredible event! Stay safe out there!
🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘 🌑 🌒 🌓 🌖 🌕
Here's the 3 Things.
Today's Studio Hacks - BOUNDARIES!!!! 😱
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Studio Hacks
Boundaries & The Art of Saying ‘No’:
A Mini-Masterclass in Self-Preservation
“Boundaries are not walls; they are bridges that allow us to communicate our needs and expectations clearly.” - Brene Brown
So... are you tired of feeling like your boundaries are constantly being trampled on? Especially by those you love, care for, or have to interact with on the daily?
Do you wish you could figure out just how to reclaim your power and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships? It’s time to dive into the empowering world of [real] boundaries!
In my latest podcast episode, Boundaries & The Art of Saying ‘No’: A Mini-Masterclass in Self-Preservation, launching soon, we’ll not just talk boundaries – we’ll delving into the science behind them, offering evidence-based strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with those “over steppers” effectively.
Often, many don't even know what a [real] boundary is!
The real definition of social boundaries comes from the classic book from 1992, "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Real boundaries involve establishing clear limits or guidelines in interpersonal relationships to protect one's personal space, mental health, and overall well-being.
These boundaries are communicated assertively, without being threatening, and are consistently enforced when they are transgressed.
The purpose of setting boundaries is not to control or change the behavior of others but to assert one's own needs and preferences, while also teaching others how to interact respectfully.
A reliable source for understanding and implementing social boundaries is the field of psychology, particularly the subfield of interpersonal communication and relationships.
Here are just some quick quotes I pulled from this awesome text:
"We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking. We must own our own feelings and not let them own us. And we must learn to own our behaviors and not give away our power to others." (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 40)
"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership."(Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 29)
"You are not responsible for controlling others. You are responsible to others and for yourself." (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 101)
"Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures of love and intimacy, and keep out the destructive and hurtful forces of the world." (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 113)
"Boundary-setting is a way of communicating our needs and limits to others. It is a way of taking care of ourselves while also respecting the autonomy and boundaries of others." (Cloud & Townsend, 1992, p. 152)
Boundaries aren’t just about protecting your personal space; they’re about safeguarding your mental health and well-being.
And trust me, the research backs it up!
Studies in neuroscience and psychology have shown that strong boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and reducing stress.
When we assert our boundaries, we activate the prefrontal cortex – the part of our brain responsible for decision-making and self-control. This means that setting boundaries isn’t just about saying “no” – it’s about empowering ourselves to make choices that align with our values and priorities.
Here’s the 6 key pieces of boundary work you need to know about feeling successful implementing new boundary work with those transgressors who cause you preventable distress and ruminations.
The other person is most likely not going to change their behavior, get a clue, hear and honor your wishes, or stop doing what causes you unnecessary, internal turmoil.
Enacting a boundary and following through has nothing to do with changing the other person’s actions, and everything to do with you protecting your own well being and mental health.
Starting “real” boundary work will cause you discomfort – which is counterintuitive – but it will take repeated practice and a commitment to consistent follow-through. Boundary work is about you, not the other person.
Often, when you implement practice and apply constant follow-through, you will most likely be dealing with an unhappy person. People who transgress boundaries do not agree they should stop, or they wouldn’t overstep constantly to begin with. Your overstepper thinks they are right and when you enforce your boundary, the person will not understand nor will they be pleased – especially when it is someone you value a relationship with.
Expect your personal discomfort when you get inevitable pushback and demands for justification that your transgressor accepts as your reasoning. No matter what you say, they will most likely reject it – because they already disagree their behavior should change. Get ready for push back. Don’t let it blindside you!
Once you identify the appropriate boundary for you, you need to communicate it clearly. The formula is: If you continue to do that, I will do this. Clearly communicating your boundary is not a threat. You will not take or withhold love, attention, approval, or any other relational connection-based characteristic from them. A boundary you communicate is an action you will take for yourself – not them – that brings you the mental relief you need.
Here are some examples of the formula:
a. If you continue to drop by unannounced, I will no longer be answering the door.
b. If you smoke in the care while I am in it with you, I will get out and find other transportation.
c. If you continue to talk to me like that, I will walk away.
d. If you continue to contact me after 9PM, I will not be answering the phone/responding to the text until…
You see, these actions are actions you take to safeguard your values and needs.
The other person can continue (and most likely will continue🫠) to carry on the behavior as they wish that violates your contentment in the relationship – because they obviously think its totally fine and justified or they would stop.
It is your work to do the heavy lifting and enact the boundary that provides the result you seek.
Do not expect them to change their behavior to give you that result.
It’s not going to happen. Just assume that at the get go. I know this stinks, but it's the truth.
Many out there - especially folks who behave so terribly and have no respect for your space and wishes - lack the capability and tools of self-reflection and self-awareness.
Many believe they are right and the thoughts on loop in their brains constantly seek evidence to prove their behavior and decisions are entirely justified.
Our brains will always find the evidence it needs to back up a belief we will die in a ditch over.
It is you who has to change your thoughts and actions to get your desired result.
The hope here is that as you raise your threshold of tolerance for discomfort – even pain and pressure points – you begin to model for your over stepper what action they will need to change in order to get their desired result of connection and relationship with you.
Raising this threshold of tolerance for yourself - like lifting weights - will take consistent practice and will probably feel yucky in the beginning.
Expect feelings to arise such as shame or guilt for enacting the boundary. Expect resistance from your loved one or co-worker.
This is entirely normal even if it doesn't feel "normal to you" because it's your first experience with this.
quote attributed to Whoopi Goldberg (washing machine)
If they agreed with you, they wouldn’t be behaving in such a manner in the first place after you have told them time and again to change.
But you must communicate your self-identified boundary clearly and up front before you begin to change your responses to them, as appropriate and able.
And do not stop consistent application unless there is, what we call, blood exceptions – as in someone is bleeding and you need to respond right away.
The hope here is that you will teach them was is and is not appropriate behavior you will and will not tolerate in hopes they catch on, but do not bank on this.
Real, healthy boundaries are for you to achieve your desired result regardless of whether the other person approves or not.
They are not for you to try to control or change another, then beat yourself up when folks don't "treat you well," "or respect your time and space."
Put down the bat, dear one.
Giving others the right to be who they are and do what they think is best for them is a way to show love and respect of the relationship, while setting your boundaries and training others on how you expect to be treated.
Attempts to change or control another’s behavior usually only ends in them becoming defensive, digging in their heals, doubling down, or getting into a debate about why they should approve of what you need.
Have you ever told someone you can't be somewhere or do something and you make the classic mistake of telling them why? Instead of understanding, they launch into a diatribe of why your reasons are not acceptable enough (by whose standards?) to not be somewhere or do something - so you begrudgingly get bullied into stuff you don't want rather than what you do.
Yeah, it's kinda like that.
Seeking the approval of others for what you are in need of is banana pants. 🍌 Don't do that.
You will rarely get the approval of the other for your own justifications why they should “stop,” “change,” or “behave” how you prefer.
Rather, clearly communicate the non-threatening self-action you will be taking, lovingly, every time they overstep that boundary and FOLLOW THRU!
But knowing when and how to set boundaries can feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve never learned these skills before or are dealing with more significant levels of professional boundary transgressors. That’s where knowledge and practice comes in!
In my next podcast episode, we’re breaking down the signs that indicate a need for boundaries and offering practical examples of how to set them in various situations.
From asserting your need for personal space to clearly communicating your emotional boundaries, we’ll discuss these tools in further detail, the how-to’s you’ll need to navigate even the trickiest of social interactions.
But here’s the best part: once your boundaries are in place, you’ll experience a newfound sense of reclaimed power and freedom that is delicious. There is nothing better than self-agency and having a better handle on your own life.
So many of us give this away multiple times a day.
Don't do that either!
You’ll no longer feel like a passive bystander in your own life – you’ll be the one calling the shots and prioritizing your own well-being REGARDLESS of what others say or do.
So what!
You know what you will do.
Once again – and I know I say this a lot but it’s so urgent for you to remember – when you let other people’s actions and approval dictate your joy, happiness, and life’s contentment, then those things are entirely in the other person’s hands. You have given up your power to another. A person that has shown you through transgressing your boundaries time and again that what matters to you does not meet with their approval. So it doesn't matter to them.
Stop that and feel better! Take back the control and agency over your own life, joy, purpose, and fulfillment.
You will never get to feeling better waiting around for others to do what you want – treat you based on your personal expectations – or to change their behavior to meet your own approval.
Not going to happen.
(See what I did there... it's kinda the same thing, isn't it? flippity-floppity)
This is what we refer to as "The Manual." The manual is an extremely thick book tucked away in our brains that is super-secret and we don't tell anyone about it.
It contains, in alphabetical order, every person you have ever come into contact with, and every one in the future who you will.
Next to their picture, there are lengthy instructions as to how your brain believes that person should behave towards you.
The kicker is, 99.9% of the time you haven't told that person about your Manual and the chapter on them of expectations they should meet magically.
Put the manual down, next to that bat, my friend.
You will stop feeling terrible and start feeling better, fast, when you learn to manage your mind, and communicate the results others can expect to receive from you when they continue to defy your needs and wishes.
And, here's what's so fun - you don't have to be ugly about it, either!
When my kids were littles, Mike and I took a parenting course (which I loved many parts of) called Love and Logic. It saved us a lot of frustration as we figured out the parenting thing.
My favorite practiced skill was when one of our sons made a bad choice we would do a sing-song-y 🎶 "uh-oh" 🎶
We didn't have to get mad, red faced, frustrated, fed-up, any of that yuck... we just sang "uh-oh" and started a hand 5 to 1 count down. They made their own choice to comply or not.
If we made it down to a 1 finger, a consequence was enacted, such as sweeping them up into their playpen for a time out only to break free once they complied. Otherwise, they could just sit in there while I bustled around them.
It becomes like Pavlov's dog...
These actions I took consistently with my children still work today - on middle schoolers.
I sing an 🎶 "uh-oh" 🎶 or start the count down on my hand... they hop to it because they were raised with me being as consistent as I could about this.
I also believe it has helped them as they are getting older make better choices because they learned young, when so much less was at stake, consequences were real for bad choices.
I pray it stays this way...
So [FIRST NAME GOES HERE], what will your sing-song-y 🎶 "uh-oh" 🎶 look like to the over stepper in your life? What will the count down for bad choices be? Create a plan, and be consistent.
And if you’re struggling with feelings of guilt or shame about enforcing your boundaries, don’t worry – you’re not alone.
We’ll briefly discuss strategies for managing these emotions and help you cultivate the confidence to advocate for your needs with assertiveness and compassion.
So, are you ready to rewrite the rules of your relationships and reassert your authority and power over the results you are getting?
Homework: Spend 10 minutes this weekend considering the results you are currently getting with those who choose to be boundary pushers, and then consider the results you would rather be getting, instead.
Start with that result and work backwards.
Use the LCS Self-Coaching Model tool I sent out last week as your step-by-step guide towards different results. Quickly.
If you missed it, click here for that free BONUS resource.
Self_Coaching_Model_Worksheet_CHCS.pdf
Think through a list of actions you can take for yourself to maintain your contentment, while letting go of the expectations others should change to get you those results.
Decide on at least one new action you will begin to consistently practice with one person. Be mindful this will cause you discomfort and unpleased people in the beginning. Expect it. These two tells mean you are doing it right!
Tune in to my latest episode launching soon, and I look forward to joining you on this transformative journey, step-by-step as your trusted guide through this work.
Whether you’re dealing with difficult dynamics at work, in your personal life, or even within yourself, boundary work is your roadmap to social resilience and success.
To your newfound empowerment, joy, and thriving relationships!
P.S. Want even more boundary wisdom? Check out these empowering quotes:
“Setting boundaries is a radical act of self-care.” - Cheryl Strayed
“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” - Gerard Manley Hopkins
“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.” - Doreen Virtue
“The moment you put a boundary in place, you take back your power.” - Mel Robbins
Join us on this journey to self-empowerment and thriving relationships. Together, we’ll unlock the power of boundaries and unleash your full potential!
Talk soon,
~C
Sources:
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
