“Don’t Take it so Personally”… yeah, this is actually not a thing… but we still fall for it!
Studio Hacks:
Would you say you are sick and tired of hearing the following:
“Don’t take it so personally…”
“You are too sensitive…”
“You are being so emotional and dramatic…”
“Grow some thick skin…”
I cannot STAND when someone says this to me.
If this resonates with you, then keep reading. Stay with me here, there is really good stuff below!
These throw away lines are useless nonsense, and without understanding the “why” you might struggle with levels ranging from discomfort to acute anxiety around difficult people and situations, how can you achieve these absurd goals? You can’t.
How do you just grow “thick skin?”
How do you not “be too emotional” when you are getting blindsided with attacks from emotionally dysregulated co-workers or family members?
How can you “not take it personally” when often what is coming at women is about your very person. Your personhood. As 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 woman👏🏻
POOF! You are now as emotionless as a table. Are they happy yet?
Doubtful.
Unfortunately, I have some bad news.
Exploring the Roots: Often, the root of what you struggle with when facing difficult people, situations, or straight-up conflict is grounded in socialized patriarchy.
As in - total repressed sexism and misogyny.
It can come at you sideways since folks know they now can no longer come after you for holding an office, or not being a full-time homemaker, or being a full-time homemaker but not being PERFECT.
Women live in the in-between space of unrealistic and most often contradictory expectations.
These are IMPOSSIBLE to live up to!
We will never live up to them. We will never please folks. We will never get it perfect (and you often won’t get it “right” in their eyes anyway.)
Intersectionality: Women’s experiences are further complicated by intersecting identities, such as race, ethnicity, class, sexuality, and disability, which compound the challenges they face in navigating societal expectations and biases.
Yeah… so why don’t you and I just “rewrite our DNA” so we can be “less dramatic,” unplug our hearts, become “insensitive” instead, and silence our humanity to please other people’s secret manuals of how we should behave… NBD… right? 🤦🏻♀️
Maybe we can just stop being… women?
It’s utter nonsense.
I don’t know about you, but I got sick of these throwaway comments without any helpful suggestions.
It was so frustrating for me. I had convinced myself I was terrible at conflict.
I had self-diagnosed as both conflict-averse and conflict-avoidant.
Impact of Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a common tactic used to undermine your real experiences and manipulate your perceptions of reality. It can erode your self-confidence and make you doubt your own thoughts and feelings.
I am thinking about rolling out some courses to address this in ways those who throw these platitudes at you might finally be pleased with.
Help me with some of these titles I am messing around with:
Emotionless Wonder: Mastering the Art of Feeling Nothing
Sensitivity School: How to Be More Like a Rock
The Robot Program: Becoming Emotionally Unavailable in 30 Days
The "I Am Too Emotional" Shaming Course 101: How to Shame Yourself into Silence
Cognitive Dissonance: A Creative Writing Course, “Since What You Know to be Real Apparently Isn’t, You Must be a Gifted Fiction Writer”
Would you sign up for any of these? 😆😆😆
Yeah… me neither. But some days it seems like this is what is expected of you. It did to me.
Neuroscience Insights: Understanding the neuroscience behind stress, emotion regulation, and cognitive biases is crucial for empowering you to navigate conflicts with confidence and resilience.
In my field and in my life, I have faced a lot of unwarranted conflict and acute stress, and I always thought something was wrong with me. It took me many years of heartache, beating myself up, and learning a TON the hard way to finally figure out - THERE ARE SOLUTIONS! AND that’s the GREAT NEWS!
There was nothing wrong with me (as much as any human, with all of our individual weirdness, can claim!)
I was just experiencing my brain’s primitive response to aggression and conflict.
I had not yet learned to manage my mind nor had I learned the valuable neuroscience behind the “why.”
Learning this from my coaches changed my life.
It healed me.
It gave me my joy and purpose back.
I had learned that’s why this stuff bothered me so.
Not because I was too sensitive, to emotional, or too dramatic. Not because I was taking things to “personally.“ Not because I needed to grow thicker skin.
This stuff was getting to me so deeply, because I didn’t understand my own brain and my own neurobiology which causes you to take things to heart and then beat yourself up for doing it.
But… it’s natural.
Why would we NOT take things to heart?
That’s what caring and kind individuals do.
Should we no longer be caring and kind in this world?
Should we stop fighting for justice and cowtow to the folks who are telling us not to “take so personally” their ugly and cruel behavior?
No.
“Don’t take things so personally,” is not a thing because we should never have to do it in the first place.
It’s fiction.
The reason you are told this is because it takes the accountability off of other’s bad behavior
The reason you are told to stop being so emotional, so dramatic, and to get some thicker skin, is because that takes the onus off of bad actors.
The reason you are told these things, and you find yourself entirely confused as to why you actually can’t implement them, is because it’s got nothing to do with you.
What this is is a bully strategy. It’s diversion.
If you’re too busy convinced something is wrong with you, even when you know you’re not in the wrong, then bad actors, don’t have to take responsibility. You seemingly will happily take it for them.
It’s a way to gaslight you into believing that you’re the one with the problem, that you’re too sensitive, and that any “normal” person should be able to put up with this inexcusable behavior.
That’s a load of bull
I’m here to tell you that being sensitive is a superpower
The worst thing you could do in your life is lose your sensitivity because it means that you care.
When you stop caring, you’ve lost.
Don’t fall for this.
It’s a mind trick.
And it lets the folks who don’t seem to understand how to treat their fellow humans with the human dignity and respect they deserve, to simply get away with it
And you are left, holding their burden of anxiety for them.
Not everybody who throws around these platitudes is a dysfunctional human, but they also don’t understand what it is that they’re saying to you.
How hurtful and manipulative it is.
If you say these things. Stop it.
I don’t want you to believe this when it said to you.
I don’t want you to believe this when you think you should say it to others.
Rather, I want you to see it, and expect it, from people who treat you in ways you do not deserve.
When you find yourself feeling discomfort in your body, because of the way someone is talking to you, or treating you, get ready for the bait and switch platitudes.
The gaslighting.
The, “why can’t you handle my horrible behavior?”
Does that sound reasonable to you?
It’s not.
It’s coming.
It should never blindside you again.
Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is incapable of holding their own anxiety and expect you to do the heavy lifting for them.
Put it down and give it back.
Joyfully.
Stop wasting your time trying to please people that treat you horribly by showing them that you can manage to actualize not taking their ugliness personally.
Not allowing awful behavior and words to affect you instead of squashing down how you’re feeling, your emotions, your thoughts, because you’re afraid someone might call you to emotional can’t possibly make sense once you really think it through.
Who made them the arbiter of where the line of “too emotional” is drawn?
It’s entirely subjective to the individual, there’s no hard and fast rule.
But I may find two dramatic or emotional, you may not..
“Too emotional,” and “too dramatic,” are dog whistles for sexism and misogyny.
Period.
It’s another gaslighting technique used to convince you, as woman, should be controlled and subjugated. Because you were incapable of controlling your own emotions; because you are “too irrational“ to be calm, cool, and logical.
Right?
Nope.
If someone can convince you that you behave too much like a “woman,” then you can be socialized into believing there’s something wrong with you just by virtue of your gender.
You’ve already been taught this since you were a child.
And this is a lie as old as time.
When you’re in these moments, and you can’t seem to think, lose those good comebacks, and find yourself ruminating through the night over the shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, you’ve been snookered.
The reason you may be responding to conflict, aggression, and bad behavior as if you are having a panic attack – as in, your heart is racing, your breathing faster, you can’t think straight, you lose thoughts and words – yet you may have not had a previous acute panic and anxiety disorder, diagnosis, is because your brain believes that you are in danger, and it’s preparing you to fight or flight.
Now mental health is an urgent issue and anyone who feels they are in danger of harming themselves or others must see licensed and certified mental health professional support.
What I am talking about, is not initially a mental health problem. If it goes unaddressed, it can easily become one.That is why I am so passionate about this information getting to you so that you can implement evidence-based practices to avoid preventable and unnecessary suffering.
Your brain is just trying to protect you by pleasing others and keeping you within the herd.
Your primitive brain does not like the idea that other people are not pleased with you
This is the moment when we need to kickstart our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, our brain that has evolved passed the animal state, and is what distinguishes us from every other living thing.
This is the moment when you have to thank your primitive brain for thinking that a bear is going to eat you, and then kindly let it know you are, in fact, safe from immediate death.
It just feels horrible.
If this is a herd that will be kicking you out, it’s probably long overdue anyway and good riddance.
In this day and age, we can choose our herds. We do not have to comply with tyrants in order just to survive.
Remember: when you stop people pleasing, people will stop being pleased.
And that’s a good thing.
Empowerment Through Education: Discover evidence-based practices to stay calm and confident amidst chaos. Learn self-coaching tools to use in real-time when stress hits.
Ever wished you could silence your inner critic and face conflicts with confidence? Today, we explore neuroscience and mindset management to get you real results.
Community Support and Advocacy: There is much needed urgency right now around the importance of building supportive communities and advocating for systemic change to address gender-based discrimination, harassment, and inequality, offering resources and organizations for women seeking solidarity and collective action.
Did you know that women may be more vulnerable to the negative effects of criticism and rejection, which can impact their confidence and self-esteem (Leary et al., 2001).
Numerous women lack awareness of these strategies, potentially shielding them from unnecessary yet too common and substantial verbal, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and financial distress in your life.
It is so important for you - yes you - 🤗 to know the science behind stress, anxiety, conflict, and so called "burnout" because there are truly significant causes for concern.
Gender appears to be a factor in determining how we react to stress. In women, the hormone estrogen may amplify sensitivity. (Arnsten, A, et.al., 2012.)
There are many urgent reasons why women need this information up front and how to counter it.
The human subject research portion of my dissertation yielded the following statistics:
98% identified as having faced, over all, conflict and acute stress, primarily in their workspaces.
of this, 67% identified "substantial to extreme" levels of significant conflict and acute stress.
only 2% claimed they had never experience significant conflict out in the world, especially at work.
90% of these women identified as having "some level of challenge" regarding significant conflict and acute anxiety earlier on in their lives.
Of that, 59% of these women identified as having faced "significant to extreme" conflict and acute stress, primarily in their work lives.
98% of these women identified as having faced some level of hostility towards them, especially in their work spaces.
Of that, 43% identified as facing "substantial to extreme" hostility.
74% of these women identified as feeling they were "some or all of the target" of conflict directed at them, which would point to their gender and personhood as the catalyst for such aggression. It was not directly identifiable though.
Of that, 31% identified as feeling as if they were only ever the target of conflict directed at them, rather than it happening around them, between others.
48% of the women surveyed were considering leaving their vocations because of the high levels of conflict and dysfunction they face in their jobs.
66% of these women identified the "well being" of other women out in the world right now as their top concern for them.
40% of these women identified "Conflict/Dysfunctional Systems" as the primary concern women need training in.
47% of these women identified "Conflict/Dysfunctional Systems" as the root cause for problems in their work spaces and lives.
64% of these women identified as not feeling "well equipped" to successfully handle the acute stress and conflict they have faced.
These statistics are BONKERS! I was shocked when I collated the data.
There is significant need right now, today, for women to become better equipped to address the repressed misogyny that is currently in our world coming at them, yet strategically camouflaged.
Acute stress and conflict cause real neurological and physiological damage to women’s brains and bodies when they are in the automatic nervous system response for unnatural lengths of time.
Being in this state of acute-chronic stress decreases normal levels of dopamine and serotonin, which ultimately leads to depression and false pleasure seeking behavior (which would include such things as people pleasing in order to get a dopamine hit from receiving approval). It also literally causes dendrites and synaptic connections in many brain regions, including not only hippocampus but also amygdala and medial prefrontal and orbitofrontal cortex, to shrivel and change neuronal architecture. (McEwen, et.al.)
In layman‘s terms, this simply means, parts of our brains are dying because of acute stress and anxiety.
This is urgent.
Researchers at the Mount Sanai School of Medicine have studied the effects of the stress response shutdown of the prefrontal cortex if activated for too long. They deduced once the stress threat has receded, the dendrites will return and regrow. If the stress remains acute for long levels, this ability to regenerate may vanish all together. “One of us has found evidence of this in humans, where the shrinkage in prefrontal gray matter relates to history of stress exposure.” (Arnsten, et.al.)
What you need to “take personally” is your neurophysiological health.
Tell them I sent you. 😉
Here are some hacks:
Neuroscience of Confidence: Did you know that your brain’s response to conflict is rooted in millions of years of evolution? Understanding the neuroscience behind your thoughts and emotions is the key to unlocking your confidence and resilience in any situation.
Mastering Thought Work: Learn how to rewire your brain for success by practicing thought work techniques that empower you to challenge negative beliefs and embrace a mindset of growth and possibility. Did you know your thoughts are not facts?
Yeah, I said it.
Your thoughts are not facts. They are just words running through gray matter in your head. Your brain interprets situations around you, runs it through your personal story, and then spits out thoughts about it.
How else do explain why I might freak out and ruminate over our boss's email yet you don't think twice about it? It's the same email!
Thoughts are basically hallucinations invented by your brain’s neurowiring as it interprets neutral circumstances happening around you through your subjective story.
It is your thoughts about the circumstances happening around you that create how you feel about them.
It is not the circumstances themselves that cause you to feel how you feel. It’s simply the thoughts you believe to be factual that create how you feel.
Here's the kicker... other people's thoughts aren't facts either. Their brain is spitting words out based on their own stories and experiences, and often, their mouth tends to spit them out too.
People think thoughts are facts too often.
They aren't.
Most people don’t even know this.
Most people are convinced that what they think is a fact.
Don’t be most people.
And guess what?
Here’s the good news!
You can change your thoughts at any time.
Why would you change your thoughts? Because your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings create your actions and your actions create your results.
Are you happy with the results you have right now? Try changing your thought about what is bugging you, see how that feels, remind yourself your thoughts are just words, not facts, and you can change them.
Give this a few tries and see what happens!
This takes work, practice, and guidance, but it will change your life.
The Power of Thought-Awareness:(Actually being aware of your thoughts!)
Discover how thought-awareness practices can help you stay grounded and focused, even in the heat of conflict. By cultivating present-moment awareness of the non-facts your brain is spitting out at you, you’ll gain greater clarity and composure when facing challenging situations. Because you can change those thoughts at any time!
Reframe Your Reality: Discover how to shift your perspective and see conflicts as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than personal attacks.
Ask yourself, "what is at stake for this person?"
"What possible thing could be so urgent for them and their (non-factual) thoughts that they can justify their behavior?”
It's either an incredibly important reason to justify how you are being treated, or they are a sociopath with no self-awareness or empathy to care how you are impacted by their words or emotionally unregulated behavior.
Either way, what they think is not factual and you can decide at anytime not to believe the words their brain is spitting, even if angrily, at you.
It’s not true.
When you can identify another person as just another human with their own thoughts about what is at stake for them to justify their behavior, you can then step back and see how their (non-factual) thoughts and words really aren't actually about you at all.
It is just their brain interpreting what they believe they are experiencing, through their own narrative lens. This is coupled by whatever they fear to lose, which is what is at stake for them.
Now, you can dig deeper to find what it is they “think” is at stake for them to lose by whatever thing it is that you seem to have “done” that is caused them to feel threatened. Then you are left, holding the bag of their anxiety because it’s easier for them to blame you as a scapegoat than it is for them to look at their own fear of loss.
If you want, you can dig deeper and identify, what is that steak for them. But you do not have to. It is not required. It’s purely for curiosity’s sake.
Ask yourself what fear could be at the root of such emotional dysregulation telling them they can behave like that towards you.
Then maybe you can have empathy for what they are so afraid to lose.
But whatever it is, it is not your problem. This is their brain interpreting what is around them
And you will never be able to change that, fix it, or please them.
Because you can’t change their thoughts. Only they can.
Once you realize this is not about you, as in your person, you can do helpful things for yourself such as listening for any nuggets of truth in their criticism. There is always something there we can learn from others, no matter how ugly they can behave, if we can practice the humility to hear it.
This has nothing to do with pleasing the other person. You will never be able to do that. But what you can do is lean into your own self reflection and self improvement. Because there’s always things we can learn from others, no matter how it’s packaged at you, that can help you do better and be better at the value you contribute to the world.
This only works if you really begin to understand that your brain is unintentionally working against you. Always.
Harness the Science: Explore the fascinating world of neuroscience and learn how understanding your brain’s responses to stress can empower you to navigate these conflicts with ease. Why is your brain working against you? There are really good reasons why, actually. Your brain is trying to keep you alive and part of the herd. There is so much good stuff to learn about this.
Practice Makes Perfect: Gain practical strategies for incorporating thought-awareness, both yours and others, and assertive communication techniques into your daily life, so you can respond to conflict with grace, empathy, humility, and confidence.
Once you truly understand both their and your thoughts are NEVER about you - because they are NEVER factual - EVER -then, as you practice and get better at becoming aware of and CHANGING your (false) thoughts, you will begin to see how what other people do and say, no matter how red their face gets or what level of nuclear tantrums they throw - do not ever have to bother you again!
Don’t let self-doubt hold you back from achieving your goals any longer.
If you resonate with any of this then I promise you, this work will change your life!
Remember, your thoughts about neutral circumstances happening around you are what creates your feelings. Your feelings are what create your actions. Your actions are what create your results. It all starts with your thoughts.
If you want to change your results, you first must change your thoughts about it.
Give some of this a try this week and let me know how it goes. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m a nerd for this stuff. It literally changed my life.
Since I started working with a coach years ago, mainly out of desperation, I’ve never been happier, more full of purpose, and more content, regardless of how people around me behave or what difficult circumstances come my way. I’ve learned to manage my through it all.
I have found my joy.
You can too. I promise you.
Talk to you next time & stay tuned for more Studio Hacks!
~C
I so appreciate you reading till the end! Please enjoy this free download of my “How to Stop Caring About Taking it Personally For Real” Mindset Management Essential Checklist. Just tell me where to send it.
Sources:
Arnsten, A., Mazure, C. M., & Sinha, R. (2012). This is your brain in meltdown. Scientific American, 306(4), 48–53. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4774859/
Leary, M. R., Cottrell, C. A., & Phillips, M. (2001). Deconfounding the effects of dominance and social acceptance on self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(5), 898–909. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.81.5.898
McEwen BS, Nasca C, Gray JD. Stress Effects on Neuronal Structure: Hippocampus, Amygdala, and Prefrontal Cortex. Neuropsychopharmacology. 2016;41(1):3-23. doi:10.1038/npp.2015.171
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